When the politeness fades: living together with your au pair after the settling-in period
In the first weeks with an au pair, everyone usually makes a particular effort.
The host family patiently explains every routine. The au pair would rather ask one question too many than one too few. Everyone says thank you, apologises, and takes care to leave a good impression.
And then something happens that is actually a good sign:
Normality sets in.
The au pair no longer feels like a guest. The family is no longer permanently in “we now have an au pair” mode. Everyone knows each other, has developed shared routines, and feels more familiar with one another.
That is exactly what is supposed to happen.
But along with familiarity, something else can sometimes disappear: mutual attentiveness.
When “feeling at home” suddenly turns into just everyday life
After a few weeks, the cup may be left standing on the table.
The host family no longer says thank you every single time the au pair has done something.
The au pair no longer tidies the kitchen quite as neatly as at the beginning.
Someone answers irritably.
A request suddenly sounds more like an instruction.
Or things are increasingly taken for granted.
On their own, these are small things. Every family has a cup left standing around and bad days.
It only becomes a problem when individual situations slowly turn into an attitude:
“The other one will sort it out.” (Translated)
Being a family member for a while does not mean being taken for granted
An au pair should feel like part of the family. This idea is central to the au pair programme.
But „part of the family“ should never mean that mutual appreciation is at some point no longer necessary.
Even after six months, you may still say thank you for something.
An au pair, too, may say: “Thanks for giving me a lift.” (Translated)
Parents, too, may acknowledge: “You did a really lovely job with the children today.” (Translated)
And the au pair, too, deserves to experience that their day-to-day support is being seen.
Appreciation does not have to be voiced constantly or put on display. But it should still be felt in everyday life.
Familiarity must not shift boundaries
As closeness grows, boundaries sometimes blur too.
Perhaps „Could you just do this once, as an exception, today …?“ eventually turns into a regular additional task.
Perhaps the au pair increasingly arrives five minutes late because nobody has said anything so far.
Perhaps the children eventually stop knocking on the bedroom door.
Or the au pair leaves things lying around that they would have put away as a matter of course at the beginning.
This is exactly why it is worth checking every now and then, even after the settling-in period:
Do our original agreements actually still work?
Good cohabitation keeps developing. Rules and boundaries may therefore always be brought back to mind in a friendly way, or adjusted together.
“But at the beginning she used to do that much more neatly.” (Translated)
Host families experience this too.
In the first weeks, every task is done with particular care. A few months later, the children's room after tidying up may no longer look quite the way you imagine.
Before this turns into annoyance, the expectation should be discussed again, concretely.
What does „tidying up“ actually mean to you?
Should toys simply disappear off the floor, or be sorted into particular categories? Does the used cup go straight into the dishwasher, or is it enough to put it away later?
People have different ideas of order – and cultural as well as family habits can further reinforce these differences.
This is why, even after months, it still helps to:
not assume, but say concretely what you would like.
Tone makes a big difference
The more familiar people become with one another, the more unfiltered they often speak to each other.
That is normal.
Even so, it is worth paying attention to how you speak to one another.
“Just do that now, please.” (Translated)
sounds different from:
“Could you please take care of that?” (Translated)
And an annoyed eye-roll from the au pair can land just as unpleasantly with the host family as a curt tone from the host parents does with the au pair.
Not every bad moment needs to become a big conflict conversation.
But if you notice that the tone has changed on a lasting basis, address it early.
An au pair, too, is allowed to have a bad day
An au pair does not live for twelve months in a permanent mode of gratitude.
There will be days when they are tired. Irritable. Sad. Perhaps they slept badly, had an argument with someone back home, or simply are not in a good mood.
The same applies to the host parents.
Not every short answer is disrespectful. Not every forgotten cup is a sign of a lack of appreciation.
What matters is the overall picture.
A bad day is only human.
A lastingly disrespectful way of dealing with one another, on the other hand, should be addressed.
Sometimes a small fresh start helps
If you notice that things have crept in over the months, there is no need for a dramatic crisis conversation.
Sit down together and look at everyday life together.
What is now working really well?
Where have we perhaps become a little lax?
Which rules have proved themselves?
Which agreements should we refresh?
Perhaps the weekly plan needs adjusting. Perhaps the au pair needs a clear explanation of a task once more. Perhaps the family realises that they, too, have not kept to certain boundaries quite as consistently anymore.
Such a conversation is not criticism of the entire au pair relationship.
It is simply everyday maintenance.
Respect applies in both directions
Host families may expect that agreed tasks are reliably carried out, rules are kept, and agreements are taken seriously.
An au pair, equally, may expect to be treated with respect, to have their free time, to experience privacy, and not to be regarded as help that is simply available as a matter of course.
A good au pair year therefore does not work on the principle:
“You live with us, so you adapt.” (Translated)
But not on this one either:
“I am part of the family, so agreements no longer apply so precisely.” (Translated)
It takes both sides.
The loveliest sign is when nobody is a guest anymore
At some point, the au pair themselves knows where the lunchboxes are kept.
The children run to them when they want to tell them something. At dinner there is laughter, discussion, and perhaps the occasional irritated look.
Nobody behaves as carefully anymore as on the first day.
And that is something lovely.
Because a young stranger has become a familiar part of everyday family life.
The art lies only in not losing one thing amid all this familiarity:
respect for one another.
Because „feeling at home“ and „taking the other person for granted“ are two entirely different things.
