The first weeks with the au pair: what is normal during settling in?
The au pair has finally arrived. After weeks or months of preparation, the shared au pair year begins – and of course host families hope that everything will work smoothly as quickly as possible.
But then the au pair is tired. They ask about every little thing. They speak less German than expected. They wait for instructions instead of pitching in independently. The children don't listen to the au pair. Perhaps they retreat to their room frequently in the evenings.
And quickly the question arises:
Did we choose the wrong au pair?
In the vast majority of cases, the answer after a few days or weeks is: this cannot be judged yet.
Because an au pair doesn't just have to learn a new job. They have to settle into a new country, a foreign family, a different culture, and often a language that is still unfamiliar.
That takes time.
Settling in as an au pair can take up to three months
Of course, there are au pairs who, after just a few days, seem as though they had always belonged to the family.
For others, it takes considerably longer.
As a guide, host families should expect that an au pair's genuine settling-in period can take several weeks and quite possibly up to three months.
During this time, the au pair doesn't just learn their tasks.
They get to know your children. Your routines. Your expectations. Your sense of humour. Your rules. The way to school. The supermarket. Public transport. The German language. And, alongside all of that, they must come to terms with the fact that family, friends and everything familiar are suddenly thousands of kilometres away.
Tiredness and jet lag are completely normal at the start
Many au pairs have a long journey behind them and arrive in Germany from a completely different time zone and climate.
On top of that come countless new impressions.
Even a perfectly ordinary day can be incredibly exhausting in the first weeks, when you constantly have to listen, translate, observe and take in new things.
Especially at the beginning, therefore, give your au pair enough time to sleep and recover.
Tiredness does not automatically mean a lack of interest.
Homesickness is often part of it
At first, everything might still feel exciting. Then everyday life slowly settles in – and suddenly home is missing.
Family. Friends. Familiar food. Their own language.
Homesickness can show itself in very different ways. Some au pairs become sad, others phone their family a great deal or retreat to their room more often.
This doesn't necessarily mean the au pair feels uncomfortable in your family or wants to end their stay.
Show interest, offer joint activities, and at the same time give them space.
A new home doesn't develop within a few days.
“Our au pair shows no initiative at all”
We hear this sentence again and again, too.
It's worth asking: does the au pair even know yet that they are allowed to decide things themselves?
Many au pairs are young and have never worked in a comparable employment relationship before. At the same time, they come from cultures and family structures in which hierarchies and interactions with adults may be lived quite differently.
They ask themselves:
Am I allowed to just do this? Should I wait until the host mother says something? Am I allowed to go out with the children alone? Should I step in, or does Mum handle that? Is this even my task?
Initiative needs security.
If the host mother immediately takes over every time the au pair hesitates for a moment, the au pair may unconsciously learn: I had better wait.
So first show them the routines, do things together, and then consciously hand over responsibility.
Feel free to say explicitly:
“From now on, you're allowed to decide this yourself.”
Show. Do together. Let them do it themselves.
Especially at the start, a very simple principle helps:
First show. Then do together. Then let them take over independently.
How is the lunchbox packed in the morning? What does the child need for school? How does pick-up work? What happens in the afternoon? Where are the things for sport kept?
What is second nature to you, your au pair is seeing for the first time.
If something still isn't working after two days, show it again.
An au pair must first be allowed to learn your family's daily routine.
The language barrier must not become a daily stress test
The au pair comes to Germany, among other things, to improve their German language skills.
This inevitably means: at the beginning, their German is not yet perfect.
If something important isn't understood, don't turn it into a test.
Explain it first in simple German. If it still isn't understood, you can, for example, explain what you mean in English and then repeat the German sentence or the key German terms.
That way, a language barrier turns into a learning situation.
The children can also help wonderfully here, explaining German words to the au pair again and again.
Above all, it matters that no one becomes afraid to ask.
The children test the new au pair too
“But Mum lets me do that!”
“You can't tell me anything!”
“I want Mum to do it!”
This, too, can be part of settling in.
Children first have to work out what role this new person has in their everyday life. Some accept the au pair straight away, others test boundaries.
And this is exactly where au pairs need the parents' support.
It is not the au pair's job to have to fight for their place in the family against the children.
If a child speaks disrespectfully to the au pair, deliberately ignores instructions, or repeatedly tries to play them off against the parents, it is the parents who need to step in first.
Make it clear to your children:
Our au pair is part of our family for a while. When they are responsible for you, their instructions apply just the same. And we speak to one another respectfully.
Basic upbringing and setting these boundaries remain the parents' task.
Don't judge the match after just a few days
Of course, there are situations in which an au pair and a host family genuinely do not suit each other.
But tiredness, uncertainty, homesickness, a lack of initiative or language difficulties in the first few days are not, on their own, a sign of a failed match.
Instead, look at the development.
Is the au pair becoming more confident week by week? Do they ask questions? Do they take feedback on board? Is a relationship with the children slowly developing? Are routines becoming more independent?
What matters is not perfection in week one, but development over the first few weeks.
Give your au pair time to arrive
After a few months, everyday life often looks completely different from how it did in the first few days.
The au pair suddenly knows every appointment. The children call for them. Careful German turns into whole conversations. Things that had to be explained five times at the start now happen as a matter of course.
This is exactly why you shouldn't make a new au pair feel, after just two days, that they aren't good enough.
Arriving takes time. Trust takes time. Independence takes time.
An au pair year lasts twelve months.
The first few weeks may well belong to arriving and learning.
Progression
Eight weeks, stage by stage
Week 1 · ArrivingSleep, look around, plan very littleThe first week is a week of exhaustion, not a week of getting to know one another.
Saying goodbye, the flight, the first night in an unfamiliar house: anyone who sleeps a great deal in this week is arriving. Show them the house, the town and the way to the language course. The big family meal has a whole year ahead of it — there is no elaborate cooking on the first evening. House rules and the weekly plan are not handed over; they are gone through together a few days later.
Weeks 2–3 · WithdrawalThe bedroom door closesA day in a foreign language is hard labour. Their room is the only place free of expectations.
Withdrawing after working hours is the most common observation of these weeks and is almost never rejection. Separate observation from interpretation: “withdraws” is one thing, “doesn't like us” is another. Invite without obliging — an open door, a place laid at the table, and a no that costs nothing.
Weeks 3–4 · UncertaintyLittle initiative, three quiet hurdlesThe fridge, the shopping, going out of the door alone: three tests of courage that look like trifles from the outside.
Initiative grows out of security, not out of being asked. Small, clearly outlined tasks carry further now than the wish for independence. Take them along rather than send them: the first shopping trip together, the way home once in the dark, and saying out loud, once, that the kitchen is open to them.
Weeks 5–6 · First timesThe first shopping trip aloneProgress shows itself as a series of small first times, not as a leap.
A shopping trip without company, an arrangement of their own, a question put to your child that appears in no plan, a joke instead of an apology. It is worth watching for these deliberately — otherwise you only see what is still missing.
Weeks 7–8 · ArrivingEveryday life carries itselfArrangements hold without reminders, and the child seeks closeness of their own accord.
A lot now runs without being announced: the practical moves are in place, the routes are known, the au pair sits down with you in the evening without being called. If, after a few weeks, you can name three first times, settling in is under way. Anything that becomes quieter now rather than more open is spoken about.
Month 3 · AfterwardsWhat remains difficult even nowLanguage, public holidays, homesickness and the thought of the time after the year.
Long conversations at the table in fast German remain exhausting, public holidays far from home are hard, and the question of vocational training or an FSJ (Freiwilliges Soziales Jahr, a voluntary social year in Germany) comes up earlier than families expect. The curve does not rise evenly, and it does not have to. Our weekly online calls run throughout these twelve weeks, and you can write to us.
Experience from our families, not a norm. Some of it comes earlier, some of it not at all.
