Our au pair doesn't set boundaries for my child – who is responsible for parenting?

“Our au pair just isn't firm enough.”

“The children simply don't listen to her.”

“Surely she has to set boundaries for the children sometimes, too.”

We hear feedback like this from host families again and again.

And yes: an au pair must be able to say stop to a child now and then while looking after them. Even so, there is a crucial difference between setting boundaries in everyday life and taking on the fundamental parenting of a child.

Because there is one thing host families should be aware of:

The au pair supports you in looking after your children. They do not replace you as parents.

May an au pair set boundaries for children?

Of course.

If a child wants to run into the road, the au pair must step in.

If siblings are hurting each other, they may and must stop the situation.

If a child hits the au pair, they may of course say clearly:

“Stop. You don't hit me.”

And if it has been agreed that the children put their shoes on at 7:30 a.m. so they get to school on time, the au pair must also be allowed to say:

“Please put your shoes on now. We need to go.”

So an au pair may of course carry out rules and set boundaries in the actual day-to-day care.

But these rules need the backing of the parents.

Parenting remains the parents' task

It becomes problematic when parents expect an 18-, 20- or 24-year-old au pair to join a family and resolve fundamental parenting problems within a few weeks.

If a child has learnt to ignore instructions, to be disrespectful towards adults, or to keep testing boundaries, the responsibility for this cannot suddenly lie with the au pair.

The au pair is neither mother nor father.

And they should not be pushed into that role either.

The fundamental responsibility for parenting remains with the parents.

“Our children walk all over our au pair”

In that case, it is worth parents first looking not at the au pair – but at their own role.

Do your children actually know what position the au pair holds while looking after them?

Have you told them clearly that agreed rules also apply when mum and dad are not around?

And do your children experience you standing behind the au pair?

If a child ignores an instruction from the au pair and then runs to mum – and mum simply sorts it out herself – the child learns very quickly:

I don't have to listen to the au pair.

This is exactly where the parents are needed.

Give your au pair your backing

Children are allowed to know:

“If our au pair is currently responsible for you and says it's time to leave for school, then you put your shoes on.”

“If our au pair says screen time is over, that rule applies.”

“We speak to our au pair just as respectfully as we speak to other people.”

And especially:

“You don't hit, kick or shout abuse at our au pair.”

If such boundaries are crossed, the au pair should not be solely responsible for asserting themselves towards the child.

The parents must then take a clear stance.

Discuss together which boundaries apply

An au pair can only enforce family rules if they know them.

So sit down together and explain specifically which rules apply for your children.

What happens if a child doesn't want to cooperate?

What consequences do you use within your family?

What is the au pair allowed to decide themselves?

When should they bring the parents in?

This is especially important for children with additional needs or challenging behaviours.

If you already know that your child reacts in a certain way in certain situations, explain to your au pair how you as parents deal with it.

Particular behaviours need to be explained

Perhaps your child reacts with aggression when overwhelmed.

Perhaps they run off.

Perhaps they throw things.

Perhaps, because of their disability, they need very clear, short instructions or particular routines.

Your au pair cannot automatically know this.

Show them which situations can arise and how you normally respond.

Then the au pair can apply the same familiar boundaries and strategies while looking after your child.

They don't have to develop a parenting concept of their own.

An au pair shouldn't have to become the “strict adult”

An au pair takes on a special role within a family.

They are a carer and, at the same time, a temporary family member. For many children, over the course of the year, they become a little like a big sister, a big brother, or a young adult friend.

This particular relationship can be incredibly valuable.

This is why an au pair should not permanently be pushed into the role of reprimanding children, punishing them, and doing fundamental parenting work.

Of course, rules and boundaries are part of childcare.

But the relationship between child and au pair shouldn't mainly consist of the au pair trying to fight for authority.

Firmness also comes from feeling secure

Sometimes an au pair doesn't seem firm simply because they feel unsure.

Am I allowed to say no here?

What happens if the child cries?

Will mum be annoyed with me afterwards?

Am I really allowed to end screen time?

What do I do if the child simply won't come along?

Host families should answer these questions.

The more clearly the au pair knows which rules apply and that the parents stand behind them, the more confidently they can act while looking after the children.

If you think: “Our au pair isn't setting boundaries…”

…first ask yourself a few other questions:

Have we explained to our au pair which boundaries apply in our home?

Do they know how we react in difficult situations?

Have our children understood that the au pair's instructions apply while they are looking after them?

And does our au pair actually experience us standing behind them when our children cross these boundaries?

Because an au pair can support rules and put boundaries into practice in everyday life.

They can clearly say stop.

They can give children a sense of security and orientation.

But the responsibility for which fundamental rules and values apply in a family, and for how children learn to treat other people respectfully, remains with the parents.

The au pair is there to support you in looking after your children.

You must not – and should not – hand the parenting role over to them.