Resolving conflicts with your au pair calmly and fairly: how to raise problems the right way

Wherever people live together, misunderstandings arise. That is true in every family — and, of course, in living together with an au pair too.

Perhaps the lunchbox was forgotten for the third time. The au pair arrived late. A rule for the children was applied differently to what had been agreed. Or you notice that you have been annoyed about a small thing for days.

What matters is not whether a conflict arises at some point during an au pair year.

What matters is how you deal with it.

Because many bigger conflicts start with small situations that went unaddressed for far too long.

Raise problems early

One of the most important principles for living together with an au pair is:

Don't let things pile up.

If something annoys you on Monday, something else bothers you on Tuesday, and the next small thing comes along on Thursday, you should not wait until Sunday and suddenly present your au pair with a long list.

At that point, the au pair may hear for the first time that they have done things “wrong” all week — without ever having had the chance to change anything beforehand.

So raise small problems as early as possible.

In a friendly way. Factually. Without reproach.

That way, small things actually stay small.

Correct things in the concrete situation wherever possible

Especially with practical routines, immediate feedback is often the most helpful.

Does the au pair pack the school bag differently to what your child needs?

Then show them right there and then:

“Look, Emma's exercise books always need to go in this compartment, because otherwise she can't take them out by herself.” (Translated)

That is far easier to understand than saying three days later:

“By the way, you keep packing Emma's bag wrong.” (Translated)

In the concrete situation, the au pair sees immediately what is meant and how it can work better next time.

Feedback should not be used to hold a mistake against someone after the fact.

It should help avoid the next one.

Criticise the situation — not the person

There is a big difference between:

“You're simply unreliable.” (Translated)

and:

“This morning you were ten minutes later in the kitchen than agreed. Because of that, we set off late for school. Please be ready tomorrow by 7:30 am.” (Translated)

The first statement judges a person.

The second describes a concrete situation, explains its effect, and sets out a clear expectation for next time.

That is exactly what good feedback should look like.

Avoid generalisations such as:

“You always …” (Translated)

“You never …” (Translated)

“You can't be relied on.” (Translated)

Stick to what actually happened.

Understand first, judge later

Before a mistake turns into a reproach, it is sometimes worth asking a simple question:

“What happened?” (Translated)

Perhaps the au pair did not understand an instruction.

Perhaps a family rule was not clear.

Perhaps they do not yet know a particular routine.

Or perhaps they really did forget something.

An au pair is living in a foreign country, in a new family, and often for the first time far away from their own home. On top of that come a different culture, different habits, and a language they are still learning.

What seems obvious to you does not therefore have to be automatically obvious to your au pair.

Start by assuming good intentions

The great majority of au pairs come to their host family with a simple wish:

They want to do well.

They want to help, become part of the family, and build a good relationship with the children.

Of course, mistakes can still happen.

But behind a forgotten water bottle, a misunderstood task, or an awkward situation, there is usually no bad intention.

This attitude changes conversations enormously.

Instead of:

“Why haven't you done that again?” (Translated)

the question can be:

“Were you aware that you were responsible for that today?” (Translated)

Suddenly a conversation arises instead of a reproach.

Also ask yourself: did I explain it clearly enough?

Not every mistake by the au pair is automatically the au pair's fault.

Sometimes it is worth taking a brief look at your own side:

Did I explain the task clearly?

Did I ever show the routine?

Did the au pair know they were responsible for it?

Did I expect them to simply “know” something?

Did I even give them the opportunity to take on this task independently?

Especially during the first few weeks, it is part of settling in to explain things several times, do them together, and then hand over responsibility step by step.

Sometimes a recurring problem cannot be solved with more criticism — but with better guidance during the settling-in period.

Quick chats in passing stop small things from piling up

Not every topic needs a big conversation at the dinner table.

Short daily chats can be incredibly valuable:

“How was your day with the children?” (Translated)

“Did everything work out today?” (Translated)

“Was there anything you were unsure about?” (Translated)

“Do you still need help with anything?” (Translated)

Such small chats in passing create an atmosphere in which questions and difficulties can naturally be raised.

And that applies to both sides.

The au pair, too, should feel able to say when they have not understood something, felt overwhelmed by a situation, or need support.

A weekly feedback conversation creates space for bigger topics

In addition, especially in the early period, we recommend a short, fixed weekly feedback conversation.

This is not about working through a list of mistakes once a week.

Rather, discuss together:

What went really well this week?

Where were there difficulties?

Which routines are still unclear?

What does the host family wish for?

What does the au pair wish for?

What can we do differently next week?

This way, feedback becomes something normal — not something the au pair has to be afraid of.

Agree on a concrete solution

A good conflict conversation should not end with simply stating that something went badly.

By the end, it should be clear:

How will we do it from now on?

Perhaps a task is added to the weekly plan as well.

Perhaps you set a reminder on the phone together.

Perhaps you show a routine again the next morning.

Or you agree on a clear rule.

The more concrete the solution, the more easily the au pair can put it into practice afterwards.

Don't wait until the bomb goes off

One of the most unhelpful patterns in au pair life together is saying nothing for weeks.

On the outside, everything seems fine. Inside, though, the annoyance keeps growing.

And at some point, one tiny thing is enough — and suddenly everything erupts.

For the au pair, this conflict often comes completely out of the blue.

So talk to each other before annoyance turns into frustration.

A calm conversation about one small thing is almost always easier than a big conversation about ten accumulated problems.

Conflicts are part of living together

An au pair year means that people with different personalities, family histories, languages, and cultural habits suddenly live under one roof.

It is normal that not everything runs completely smoothly for twelve months straight.

A conflict therefore does not automatically mean that the matching has failed.

Often, it is instead an opportunity to get to know each other better and to readjust everyday life together.

Raise it early. Stay specific. Explain calmly. Listen. Find a solution together.

And sometimes, allow the question:

What could I myself have explained, shown, or supported differently so that this situation would not have arisen in the first place?

That is exactly what can grow into a way of living together where no one expects that nobody ever makes mistakes — but where both sides know how to deal with it when they do.