Clarifying expectations with your au pair: discussing family rules from the very start

“That's just obvious in our family.” (Translated)

It is precisely this thought that often leads to misunderstandings when living together with an au pair. Because what is completely self-evident to a host family can be entirely new to a young person from a different country, a different family and a different culture.

That is why it is important to discuss your expectations of your au pair early on and clearly.

Not everything needs to be clarified on the first day. Let your au pair arrive and settle in first. During your first week together, though, you should deliberately take the time to go through family rules, daily routines and mutual expectations step by step.

What does punctuality mean in your family?

“Please be on time” sounds clear. But it isn't necessarily.

Should the au pair come out of their room at 7.30 a.m., or should they already be dressed and standing in the kitchen at 7.30 a.m., ready to begin childcare?

What happens if the bus is delayed? Should the au pair send a quick message? How early should they be back home before their au pair duties begin?

The way people handle time and punctuality can also be shaped by culture.

This is why the rule is: don't assume – explain.

What rules apply to the mobile phone?

The smartphone is one of the most common topics in everyday family life – and here too there is no universal “you just don't do that”.

If you don't want your au pair to constantly send messages or use social media while looking after the children, talk about it.

Perhaps your family rule is:

While looking after the children, the private phone stays in the au pair's room.

Perhaps it may be taken along, but should only be used for important messages, navigation or being reachable.

And if, as a rule, no phones are allowed at the dinner table in your home – neither the children's nor the adults' – explain that too.

What matters is that the rules are clear and understandable, and are not only spoken out loud once you have already been annoyed about it for three weeks.

Meals: eating together or everyone for themselves?

Different family habits and cultures also meet when it comes to food.

Does the family always eat together in the evening? Should the au pair join in? May they take food from the fridge at any time? Is there food that is set aside for particular meals? Is eating different at weekends compared with weekdays?

And of course the au pair, too, may have foods or dishes they don't like or don't eat for cultural, personal or religious reasons.

Talk about it.

Especially when living together, it is often the small everyday questions that later turn into unnecessary misunderstandings.

Privacy applies to both sides

An au pair lives within your family – yet they still need a private space of their own.

The au pair's room is their retreat. So make it clear to your children too that they should not simply run in or take things from the room without asking.

In the same way, you should discuss which private areas of the family should be respected.

The question of when the au pair may close their door and withdraw is also part of normal life together.

Being a temporary member of the family does not mean being available around the clock.

May the au pair receive visitors?

This topic, too, should not be discussed only once someone is suddenly standing at the front door.

May the au pair bring friends home? Should they ask beforehand? Are overnight guests allowed, or generally not wanted? Are there times when no visitors should come?

It is your home – so you are entitled to set rules for it.

At the same time, it is important for the au pair to know these rules from the very beginning.

Car, bicycle and public transport

If the au pair is allowed to use the family car, the rules for this should be especially clear.

May they drive the car only for their au pair duties, or also privately? Who pays for petrol on private journeys? What happens if there is damage? May someone else ride along? Where are the keys and vehicle documents kept?

Practical questions can also be clarified when it comes to bicycles, buses and trains.

The more precisely these things are discussed beforehand, the less potential there is for conflict later.

What media rules apply to the children?

Another important point is the rules that apply to your children.

How much television are they allowed to watch? When may the tablet or games console be used? What content is permitted? May the au pair watch videos with the children on their own phone?

Your au pair can only put your family rules into practice if they know them.

Especially when it comes to screen time, clear and as concrete as possible agreements should therefore be made.

A daily and weekly plan provides orientation

Alongside family rules, a clear daily and weekly plan helps the au pair understand their new everyday life.

When does childcare begin? When is school or nursery? What regular appointments do the children have? When is the language course? Which times are free?

Host families with Besondere Sterne receive templates for a daily and weekly plan for this purpose, as well as checklists for important agreements in everyday family life.

Our recommendation: sit down together calmly within your first week together, go through the documents step by step, and put important points down in writing.

Especially at the start, it can be helpful to have the documents in both German and English as well. After all, the au pair is still learning German and should not merely have a rough understanding of important rules.

What is not said, the au pair cannot know

Many conflicts in everyday au pair life do not arise because someone deliberately disregards rules.

They arise because two people with completely different ideas of what is “normal” come together.

How punctual is punctual? When does one use one's phone? How naturally does one take food from the fridge? How much time does a family spend together? How does one handle visitors?

Not every family – and certainly not every culture – has the same answers to these questions.

This is why one of the most important rules for a good start is:

Do not expect your au pair to automatically know your family rules. Talk about them.

The clearer the expectations are at the beginning, the more easily two initially unfamiliar sides can grow into a shared family everyday life.