Which au pair suits our family? How to make the right decision

You want to host an au pair in your family – and suddenly you find yourself facing what is probably the single most important question of the entire au pair search:

Which au pair suits our family?

Perhaps you like one particular profile straight away.

Another au pair speaks noticeably better German.

Yet another one already has a driving licence.

And a further candidate brings along a particularly large amount of experience with children.

But which one of them is actually truly the right au pair for your family?

Especially if you are looking for an au pair for a child with a disability, it is worth not searching for the supposedly perfect profile at all.

A rather different question is far more important than any of that:

What do we as a family actually need?

There is no such thing as the perfect au pair

An au pair can have very good German language skills, hold a driving licence, bring along plenty of experience with children, and look absolutely excellent on paper.

And yet, none of that automatically means it will suit your particular family.

Because an au pair actually lives together with you, under one roof, for many months at a time.

They do not experience the polished family from your written application.

They experience your real, unfiltered everyday life instead.

The Tuesday morning when three children need something at the same time.

The afternoons between school, therapy and leisure time.

The good days.

And the chaotic ones, too.

This is precisely why the search for the right au pair does not begin with the CV.

It begins with your own family instead.

What do you need in everyday life?

Before you decide on any particular au pair, first think very concretely about where exactly you need support.

When are the most difficult times of the day?

Mornings before kindergarten and school?

In the afternoons?

During the school holidays?

When several children need attention at once?

Which tasks should the au pair mainly be responsible for?

And what would actually make your family's everyday life genuinely easier?

The more clearly you are able to answer these questions for yourself, the more easily you will later be able to judge which au pair might actually fit.

What does your child with a disability need?

If a child with a disability lives in your family, their individual, personal support needs should of course also feed into this decision.

The diagnosis itself is only ever part of the whole picture.

Far more interesting are questions such as:

How does your child live?

How does he or she communicate?

Which routines does he or she need?

How does he or she react to new people?

What brings him or her particular joy?

Where does he or she need support?

Is he or she very active, or does he or she rather need a calm person?

Are there situations that quickly lead to being overwhelmed?

An au pair does not already need to be familiar with exactly the same diagnosis.

But the person as a whole should genuinely suit your child and his or her everyday life.

And what do the siblings need?

This particular point should never get lost during the au pair search.

Because the au pair does not come into your family exclusively for the child with a disability.

They become part of the everyday life of all of your children.

Perhaps you have a ten-year-old sibling who would like someone who enjoys playing football.

Perhaps your daughter loves crafting and baking.

Perhaps you have a toddler who needs a lot of care.

Or an older sibling who would simply like to have someone to talk to.

So make sure to ask yourself as well:

Which personality could suit our other children well?

Because a good au pair year always affects the whole family, not just one child.

Which experience matters to you?

Experience with children is, of course, always an important criterion when choosing an au pair.

At Besondere Sterne, there is a further point:

Our au pairs consciously engage with the topic of inclusion and life together with children with a disability.

Our au pairs gather practical experience even before they arrive, and are prepared for their au pair stay and the particular requirements of our host families.

This creates an important foundation to build on.

Even so, preparation does not mean that every au pair automatically suits every family.

And that is exactly why actually getting to know each other in person remains so very important.

Does the au pair already need to know about my child's disability?

Not necessarily, no.

Perhaps an au pair already has experience with autism, and your child also has autism.

That can certainly be interesting.

But two different children with autism can nevertheless be completely different from one another.

The same is true for developmental delays, physical disabilities, FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder) or rare conditions.

That is why we would never judge someone's experience solely on the basis of one single diagnosis.

Far more important can be questions such as these:

Does the au pair generally have experience with children?

How do they handle new situations?

Are they patient?

Do they trust themselves to cope with your family's everyday life?

Are they willing to get to know your child's particular characteristics?

And above all:

How do you experience this person in a personal conversation?

Is a driving licence really necessary?

Here too, being genuinely honest with yourself is worthwhile.

Many families initially write something like:

“A driving licence would be nice.” (Translated)

But would a driving licence really only ever be nice to have?

Or does your family's everyday life simply not work at all without a car?

If kindergarten, school, therapy and leisure activities can only be reached by car, and the au pair is meant to do regular drives, a driving licence can be a decisive selection criterion.

If you live in the middle of a big city and everything can be reached by bus and train, things may look quite different.

So it helps to make a clear distinction between:

This is something we genuinely need.

and:

This would merely be nice to have.

That distinction alone makes the au pair search considerably easier.

Personality cannot be ticked in boxes

Some criteria can be compared with one another wonderfully well.

Age.

Language skills.

Driving licence.

Experience.

But other criteria cannot be compared so easily.

Is the person warm-hearted?

Are they rather calm or lively?

Can the two of you laugh together easily?

Do they seem genuinely interested?

Does the au pair ask questions about your children?

How do they react when you speak openly about your child's disability?

And, above all, how does the whole conversation actually feel to you?

This is exactly why the decision for an au pair should never, ever be made solely on the basis of a written profile.

Get to know your au pair yourself

At Besondere Sterne, one point matters especially to us:

You, as the host family, decide which au pair you would like to host.

We can accompany you closely throughout your search.

We get to know your family and your support needs, and can introduce you to au pairs where, based on the available information, we see a possible fit.

Our au pairs are prepared and bring the willingness to engage with families of children with and without a disability.

But we cannot – and do not want to – take the personal decision away from you.

You hold the get-to-know-you conversations. You ask your questions. You experience the person. And you decide who you would like to place your trust in.

After all, it is this particular person who will be living together with your family.

When getting to know each other, ask the questions that matter for your life

So do not try to work through some perfect list of questions during the get-to-know-you conversation.

Talk openly about your real, actual everyday life.

Tell them about the difficult situations too, not only the easy ones.

If your child sometimes has challenging days, the au pair is allowed to know that.

If chaos reigns at your house in the mornings, you do not need to present a picture-book family.

If you expect the au pair to genuinely enjoy being outdoors, talk about that openly as well.

If punctuality matters especially to you, simply say so clearly.

The more honest both sides are with each other, the better both sides can decide:

Can I imagine this shared year?

It is not only the host family who decides

This too is an essential part of good au pair matching.

It is not only you, as the host family, who chooses an au pair.

The au pair also decides whether they can imagine a life with your family.

This is exactly why your child's particular characteristics should not be hidden or played down.

An au pair who consciously chooses your family should know what your everyday life actually looks like.

A good match never comes about by one side being talked into it – it comes about by both sides genuinely and freely saying yes.

Why a specialised au pair agency can make sense for a child with a disability

Anyone looking for an au pair for a child with a disability starts out from rather different circumstances than many classic host families do.

This is precisely what we at Besondere Sterne have chosen to specialise in.

Our au pairs know that we place families with children with and without a disability.

Inclusion is not a surprising topic that comes up after the matching for us – it is part of our placement concept.

Our au pairs gather practical experience and are prepared for their stay.

This is how we lay the groundwork and create a foundation for the placement.

The most important decision then stays exactly where it belongs:

the decision stays with you and your future au pair.

So which au pair suits our family?

Perhaps it will not be the au pair with the longest CV.

Perhaps it will not be the one with the very best German language skills either.

And perhaps not the profile that looks most impressive at first glance either.

But rather the person with whom all the things that genuinely matter for your family fit together.

So before your decision, think about four areas:

What do we as parents need? What does our child with a disability need? What do our other children need? And which qualities does a person need to bring in order to feel comfortable in our real family everyday life?

Everything else may then simply grow out of getting to know one another in person.

Because a good au pair match does not mean finding the perfect person.

It means getting to know each other and, at some point, both sides being able to say:

“Yes. We can imagine spending this year together.” (Translated)

Look for an au pair for a child with a disability with Besondere Sterne

Besondere Sterne is a specialised au pair agency for families with children with and without a disability.

We prepare our au pairs thoroughly for their stay, build up experience and awareness for inclusion, and accompany families closely on the way to finding their au pair.

We can introduce you to candidates who, based on their circumstances, could generally suit your wishes.

Which person ultimately really suits your family is for you to decide.

Because nobody knows your children, your everyday life and your gut feeling as well as you do.

And that is exactly how it should be.