The au pair as part of the family system: what role does it play in daily family life?

An au pair doesn't simply move into an empty room and take over a list of tasks for 30 hours a week.

It moves into an existing family system.

In this system, everyone already has their place.

Mum.

Dad.

The children.

Perhaps a child with a disability.

Siblings.

Perhaps grandparents who help out regularly.

And suddenly another young person joins in, who will live together with this family for several months and support them in daily life.

For this living together to work, we think one point is especially important:

The au pair should understand how this family actually functions – and what role it takes on within it.

Before the au pair understands its role, the family must know its own

It may even be worth host parents sitting down before their au pair arrives and thinking through:

How does our family's daily life actually work?

Who currently takes on which tasks?

Where does stress regularly arise for us?

Which times of day are particularly difficult?

Where are we missing an extra pair of hands?

Which tasks do Mum and Dad definitely want to keep doing themselves?

And where do we specifically want support from our au pair?

Because only if the family itself knows why it took in an au pair can it explain this in an understandable way.

Explain your family life to your au pair

At first, an au pair only sees a small snapshot.

Perhaps it sees a host mum rushing hectically through the kitchen in the morning.

A host dad already looking at his phone at breakfast.

A child who has to go to therapy three times a week.

Siblings who have to be taken to school, kindergarten and sport at the same time.

But the au pair doesn't know the background.

So: tell them about it.

What does the host dad do for work?

When does his working day begin?

Does the host mum also work?

What commitments does she have?

What appointments do the children have?

How much organisation does the child with a disability need?

Which situations cost particularly a lot of energy in daily life?

The better the au pair understands the bigger picture, the better it can understand why its support matters so much at certain points.

“Why am I actually here?”

Every au pair should be able to answer this question after the first few weeks.

Perhaps the answer is:

“I'm mainly here so that the afternoons become more relaxed.”

Or:

“I help out in the mornings so that both parents get to work on time.”

Or:

“When Mum is at therapy with the child with a disability, I'm there for the siblings.”

Or:

“I accompany the child to leisure activities in the afternoon, so that they can take part despite their support needs.”

Or:

“One evening a week I take over babysitting, so that the host parents can finally do something together again.”

These are completely different roles.

And that is exactly why there isn't just one au pair daily routine that suits every family.

An au pair should know why certain tasks matter

It makes a difference whether I merely hear:

“You have to babysit on Thursday evening.”

Or whether the family explains:

“Thursday is our fixed evening when we try to spend some time as a couple. Since we've had children, and especially because of our child's many extra appointments, we've barely had the chance to do this for a long time. That's why this evening is very important to us.”

Suddenly the au pair understands the point behind its task.

Of course, babysitting remains working time and must be planned within the permitted au pair working hours.

But a mere item on the weekly plan turns into something else:

I understand what difference my support makes for this family.

The background matters especially with a child with a disability

In a host family with a child with a disability, some routines are at first hard for an outsider to grasp.

Why can't the child simply stay alone at the playground?

Why does getting ready in the morning take so long?

Why are there several therapy appointments a week?

Why can't the sibling simply come along?

Why is Mum sometimes already exhausted by the afternoon?

The au pair doesn't need to know medical details that have no bearing on its daily tasks.

But it should understand how the child's support needs affect daily family life.

Because then it also understands its own role much better.

The au pair doesn't automatically have to take on the child with a disability

This, too, is part of clarifying roles.

The au pair might at first think:

“I was chosen for a family with a child with a disability. So I'm mainly responsible for this child.”

This doesn't have to be the case at all.

Perhaps the host mum wants to keep accompanying certain therapies herself.

Perhaps the host dad deliberately takes over the child with a disability in the mornings.

Then the au pair's role can look quite different.

It looks after the siblings in the meantime.

It takes another child to sport.

It prepares a simple meal.

It accompanies a leisure activity in the afternoon.

Or it makes sure that certain things at home are already done when the parents get back.

Relief doesn't only come from the au pair taking on the hardest task.

Sometimes it comes from making everything else a little easier.

The au pair is not a substitute mum

The other side of this is just as important.

An au pair should not suddenly take on complete responsibility for daily family life.

It is not a substitute mum.

Not a housekeeper.

Not a professional carer.

And not the person who is supposed to solve every problem within the family either.

Responsibility for upbringing and organising the family remains with the parents.

The au pair joins as an additional supporting person and a temporary member of the family.

This boundary protects both sides.

What role does the au pair itself want to take on?

Dividing roles doesn't only work in one direction.

The au pair also develops its own strengths over the course of the year.

After a few weeks, everyone might notice:

The au pair loves doing craft activities with the youngest child.

It's brilliant at accompanying the child with a disability to children's gymnastics.

With homework, on the other hand, it still feels unsure, because the German language is difficult.

Or it loves cooking and happily takes over preparing simple meals for the children.

Such strengths are there to be used.

A weekly plan doesn't have to stay unchanged for twelve months.

Roles change during the au pair year

The family system doesn't stay the same either.

Children develop.

Timetables change.

Therapies stop or are added.

The parents' working hours change.

The au pair becomes more independent.

And tasks that still needed guidance in week two are handled completely naturally after three months.

That's why it's worth asking again and again:

Does our division of tasks still actually fit our daily life?

Regular feedback conversations help

Alongside the small conversations in daily life, we recommend regular, short feedback conversations with the au pair.

Not only once something isn't working.

For example, sit down together calmly and ask:

How do you currently feel about your tasks?

Is there anything you still feel unsure about?

Which tasks are working well by now?

Where do you still need support?

And equally, the host family may say:

“This is really working well by now.”

“Here we'd like a bit more independence.”

“We'd like to divide this task differently from now on.”

This way, the division of roles doesn't become something that quietly emerged at some point.

It stays something that can be discussed together.

The au pair shouldn't have to read minds

This is probably one of the most important points.

The host family thinks:

“Surely she can see that I'm completely stressed right now.”

The au pair thinks:

“I don't know whether I should help or whether I'd be interfering.”

The host mum thinks:

“Why doesn't she simply take the children and go outside with them?”

The au pair thinks:

“Maybe Mum wants to spend time with her children herself right now.”

Both sides can have entirely good intentions – and still think past each other.

So:

Say out loud what you need.

Tasks become a shared family life

Of course, an au pair needs clear working hours and tasks.

But a good au pair year doesn't just consist of:

Monday 3pm school pick-up.

Tuesday children's laundry.

Wednesday children's gymnastics.

Thursday babysitting.

It's also about a young person understanding:

Where have I actually ended up?

How does this family work?

What matters to them?

Where do they need me?

Where are my limits?

And what difference does it make that I'm here?

Especially in a family with a child with a disability, the answer to this can be incredibly varied.

Perhaps the au pair enables the child to take part more.

Perhaps it creates time for the siblings.

Perhaps it takes some pressure off the mornings.

Perhaps it lets the parents have couple time again.

Perhaps it simply means that an afternoon on which normally five things would have to happen at once becomes an afternoon that everyone can manage together.

An au pair doesn't automatically find its place – the family helps it get there

A new person cannot know within a few days how a family system works.

This place is found together.

By explaining.

Showing tasks.

Sharing the background.

Voicing expectations.

Listening.

Giving feedback.

And adjusting the roles a little, again and again.

Because after a few months, an au pair shouldn't only know:

“What do I have to do today?”

But should ideally understand:

“This is my place in this family. I know where my support is needed – and I also know where my responsibility ends.”

That is exactly when a list of tasks turns into genuine relief for the family, brought about by an au pair in daily life.