The au pair and the siblings: more time and attention for siblings of children with a disability

When a child in the family has a disability, that doesn't automatically mean their siblings miss out.

And yet many families know these situations:

One child has therapy – and the sibling sits in the waiting room.

One child has to go to a doctor's appointment – and the sibling has to come along.

One child needs a lot of support in the afternoon – and at the same time the other child really wants to go to football, to horse riding, or to meet friends.

Not because Mum and Dad see the sibling less.

But because everyday family life with a child with a disability sometimes simply needs more organisation, appointments, and one-to-one support.

This is exactly where an au pair can create real added value for families with a child with a disability.

Because suddenly there is another familiar person around.

And that creates something that can be incredibly valuable in everyday family life:

more time for each individual child.

Siblings of children with a disability are not automatically „Shattenkinder“

The German term „Schattenkind“ ("shadow child") is often used when talking about siblings of children with a disability.

We think it's important to use it carefully.

Not every sibling of a child with a disability feels overlooked. Not every family experiences a burden. And a disability does not automatically mean that siblings have less attention or a difficult childhood.

But of course there are situations in which one child's support needs take up more time.

Therapies.

Doctor's appointments.

Support and development programmes.

Conversations with institutions.

Accompanying to leisure activities.

Or simply everyday situations in which the child cannot be left alone or be out and about alone.

And this is exactly when an extra person in everyday family life can change an incredible amount.

An au pair can be there quite deliberately for the siblings

When families think about an au pair for a child with a disability, an assumption sometimes automatically arises:

The au pair mainly looks after the child with a disability.

That doesn't have to be the case at all.

Perhaps the best support is actually this:

The au pair is there for the siblings.

Mum drives the child with a disability to occupational therapy.

The au pair stays at home with the sibling.

And instead of spending an hour in the waiting room, the child can build with Lego at home, bake with the au pair, go into the garden, or arrange to meet a friend.

That can hugely ease everyday family life.

Not every sibling has to come along to every therapy appointment

Especially when children are younger, there's often hardly any alternative.

One child has therapy – so the siblings come along.

One child has to go to the doctor – so everyone sits in the car.

An appointment takes an hour – and the sibling spends that hour in the waiting room.

Of course, that works.

Families do this every day.

But how lovely is it when it suddenly isn't always necessary any more?

With an au pair, the family can say:

“You don't have to come today. You can stay at home and have a lovely afternoon.”

That's not a spectacular change.

But in everyday life, exactly that can create an incredible amount of quality of life.

An au pair can make possible leisure activities that would otherwise be organisationally difficult

Perhaps the sibling has riding lessons on Wednesdays.

At the same time, the child with a disability has a fixed therapy appointment.

Until now, riding lessons may have had to be cancelled or organised in a complicated way.

With an au pair, the family can split up.

Mum drives to therapy.

The au pair takes the sibling to riding lessons.

Or Dad drives to the doctor's appointment and the au pair takes the other child to football.

Suddenly, one child's appointments no longer automatically determine what's possible for all the other children that afternoon.

The au pair can also spend time exclusively with a sibling

There doesn't even need to be an organisational reason.

Perhaps the family says quite deliberately:

“This afternoon you're just there for Emma.”

The two of them go for an ice cream.

Go cycling.

Go shopping.

Bake muffins.

Visit the playground.

Play cards.

Or simply sit together in the children's room and talk.

An au pair can also become a close attachment figure for a sibling, a friend or a temporary big sister or big brother.

That's an aspect of au pair life that is sometimes underestimated, particularly in families with a child with a disability.

And sometimes you simply flip the arrangement around

Of course it can just as easily work the other way round.

Perhaps Mum finally wants to spend an afternoon quite deliberately with just the sibling.

Go to the cinema.

Go shopping.

Go on a trip.

Go to a football match.

Or simply have an ice cream together and have time.

Then the au pair can accompany the child with a disability through their familiar routine in the meantime, provided the relevant tasks have been properly introduced and fall within the au pair's area of responsibility.

And suddenly something arises for Mum that was previously hardly possible to organise:

Exclusive time with another child.

Several children mean constant dividing up

Actually, all families with several children know this problem.

Two children need to be in two different places at the same time.

One wants to go to the playground, the other wants to do homework.

One is ill, the other has football training.

For families with a child with particular support needs, this organisation can become just a little more complex.

An au pair doesn't create extra hours in the day.

But it does create an extra person the family can share the load with.

And that can make exactly the crucial difference.

Siblings are allowed to have their own everyday life

A lovely thought here is:

The sibling doesn't constantly have to be “the sibling of a child with a disability”.

They are simply a child.

With their own friends.

Their own hobbies.

Their own interests.

Their own appointments.

Their own worries.

And their own need for attention.

An au pair can help create more room for that in everyday family life.

Not because anything was wrong before.

But because suddenly there are more hands and more time available.

The au pair can develop a completely individual relationship with each child

This is also why a host family shouldn't “assign” their au pair exclusively to one child.

Of course there can be a particular focus.

Perhaps the au pair was chosen precisely because they have experience with children with a disability.

All the same, they live with the whole family.

They may play boisterous football with one child.

Paint for hours with another.

Perhaps particularly enjoy listening to music with the child with a disability.

And sit in the kitchen in the evening chatting with the teenager.

Each of these relationships is allowed to look different.

Siblings benefit from cultural exchange too

An au pair also brings a whole new world into the family.

A different language.

Different dishes.

Different music.

Different traditions.

Perhaps the children learn English words.

Perhaps the au pair shows them a game from their home country.

Perhaps together they cook a dish the children have never eaten before.

For siblings in particular, the au pair can thereby be far more than extra childcare.

They can become a young person who broadens their horizons and shows them:

Families, languages and cultures can look very different.

An au pair can't “magic away” sibling conflicts either

Of course, an extra person doesn't automatically mean that everything suddenly runs harmoniously.

Siblings argue.

Children get jealous.

Sometimes it's exactly the child who is supposed to stay with the au pair who wants to play with Mum instead.

That's normal too.

Responsibility for upbringing and the fundamental family rules remains with the parents.

The au pair can accompany and support – but shouldn't take over the parents' role.

More attention without a guilty conscience

Perhaps this is even one of the loveliest effects of an au pair in a family with several children:

Mum can drive one child to an important appointment without feeling at the same time:

“Now the others have to come along again.”

Or she can do something lovely with a sibling without constantly having to think about how the other child is being looked after in the meantime.

The au pair doesn't just create practical relief this way.

It can also create mental relief for the parents.

An au pair for families with a child with a disability means support for the whole family

At Besondere Sterne, we therefore never look exclusively at the child with a disability.

An au pair moves into a family system.

And that family system includes Mum, Dad, the child with a disability – and just as much their siblings.

Sometimes the au pair accompanies the child with a disability.

Sometimes it looks after the siblings.

Sometimes it makes exclusive time possible for Mum and Dad with a single child.

And sometimes everyone simply sits together at the kitchen table playing UNO.

This is exactly where we see one of the great added values of an au pair for families with children with and without a disability:

It's not about “handing over” a child. It's about creating more ways for the family to divide things up – so that every child gets their own place, their own activities, and, again and again, their very own time.