Can my au pair be left alone with my child?
One of the biggest questions many host parents eventually ask is this:
Can I really leave my au pair alone with my children?
Perhaps you'd simply like to go shopping in peace. Take an hour's walk. Go out for a meal together. Go to the cinema. Or spend an afternoon doing something with a sibling.
Naturally, this is also part of the relief an au pair can provide in the long run.
An au pair is allowed to look after children independently within the agreed childcare duties, and to be left alone with them.
So the much more important question isn't: is it allowed?
But rather:
After one week, nobody needs to be ready yet
A new au pair moves in with a family they know nothing about.
They've only known the children for a few days, still have to learn their language and signals, and don't yet know how the family's daily routine works.
At the same time, the children also have to build trust in this new person.
That's why it's entirely understandable if parents can't yet say, in the first few days:
"Here are my two children. We'll be off for four hours, then." (Translated)
An au pair's settling-in and induction period can take several weeks and quite possibly up to three months.
This time shouldn't be seen as an annoying transition phase.
It lays the foundation for parents to actually be able to let go later on.
First watch, then join in, then take over alone
At Besondere Sterne, we recommend handing over responsibility step by step.
At the start, the au pair watches a lot.
How do the parents play with the children? How does dinner work? How does nappy-changing or dressing a small child work? How is a child soothed? What happens when siblings quarrel?
After that, the au pair actively joins in.
Then they take on individual situations independently, while Mum or Dad are still nearby.
And only after that do these turn into longer periods of care without the parents.
A good principle is:
Show – do together – observe – hand over responsibility.
Start with small windows of time
The first attempt doesn't need to be a whole afternoon straight away.
Start small.
Perhaps the au pair plays with the children in the nursery while you work one floor up.
Later on, you go to the neighbour's for 15 minutes.
Next time, you pop out alone to the bakery.
Or you go shopping for half an hour.
That way, both sides experience it:
It works.
And half an hour eventually turns into two or three hours.
Sometimes an intermediate step helps
Especially when parents fundamentally trust their au pair but aren't yet emotionally ready to go far away, small transitional solutions can help.
Perhaps you go to a shopping centre together. The au pair spends time with the child in a play area while you shop in peace and then come back.
Or Grandma is in the house for the first longer babysitting session.
She doesn't have to take over the care at all. The au pair makes dinner, does the evening routine and puts the children to bed.
But in case something unexpected happens, a familiar person is still reachable.
Next time, this intermediate step might no longer be needed.
There's no competition here.
Every family is allowed to hand over responsibility at whatever pace suits them and their children.
When can I trust my au pair to look after my child alone?
There's no fixed number of days or weeks for this.
Instead, parents can ask themselves a few practical questions:
Does the au pair know my child's daily routines?
Can they soothe my child?
Do they know how to react in typical difficult situations?
Do they know our family rules?
Can they reach me at any time?
Do they know the important phone numbers and our emergency plan?
Does my child feel comfortable with the au pair?
And above all:
Do I feel that my au pair takes on responsibility and can react sensibly in unexpected situations?
As this confidence increasingly develops, independent care can grow too.
What matters with babies and young children?
The younger a child is, the more thorough the induction should be.
The au pair must know the individual routines:
When does the child sleep? What does it eat and drink? How is it soothed? How does the evening routine work? What is it allowed to eat? What safety rules apply?
Parents shouldn't just explain these things, but first carry them out together with the au pair.
Especially with babies and toddlers, it's also important that the au pair knows what to do if something doesn't go to plan, and how to reach the parents.
What about a child with a disability?
For a child with a disability, essentially the same idea applies:
This child, too, can be cared for by an au pair and can develop an independent relationship with them.
However, how quickly care without the parents becomes possible depends heavily on the child's individual support needs.
Perhaps the child communicates differently.
Perhaps they need a talker (a speech-generating communication device) or supportive signing.
Perhaps there are particular behaviours, fears or situations in which the child quickly becomes overwhelmed.
Perhaps they can't judge dangers in an age-appropriate way.
The au pair must first get to know all these particularities.
The au pair has to learn to read the child
Parents often know their child so well that they notice the smallest signals.
They can hear from a certain tone of voice that something is about to tip over.
They know that a certain movement means "I need a break" (Translated).
They recognise when their child is hungry, even though it can't say so.
An au pair doesn't know this on day one.
Parents have to pass this knowledge on.
This is exactly why careful induction is so valuable with a child with a disability.
Over time, the au pair learns too:
What is this child trying to tell me right now? What do they need? And how can I give them a sense of security?
Medical and nursing boundaries remain in place
Independent care does not mean, however, that the au pair suddenly becomes a nursing or medical specialist.
If a child necessarily needs specialist medical or nursing measures during a period of care, the family must ensure that this necessary care is properly provided for.
For a child with complex support needs, it must therefore be checked individually which care situations an au pair can actually take on independently.
Stay reachable, and perhaps nearby, the first time
When you leave your au pair alone with the children for the first time, you don't need to be two hours away straight away.
Feel free to start nearby.
Go for a walk. Drive to the supermarket. Have a coffee round the corner.
And make sure the au pair can reach you by phone at any time.
This gives not only you a sense of security.
The au pair knows it too:
If I'm unsure, I can call.
With every successful period of care, trust grows on both sides.
The children need to be ready too
It's not only parents and au pair who decide the pace.
The child also plays a decisive role.
If, after a few days, a child accepts only Mum, can't be soothed by the au pair, and panics as soon as the parents leave the room, you shouldn't try to force trust through pressure.
Relationships need time.
Perhaps the parents stay in the room to begin with.
Perhaps the au pair first takes on the siblings.
Perhaps everyone plays together.
And at some point, Mum leaves the room – and nobody even notices any more.
That's often exactly the moment you've been working towards.
Trust doesn't come from a leap, but from many small steps
The long-term goal should be for the au pair to be able to take on familiar care situations independently.
Because of course a host family should eventually be able to say:
"We're going out for dinner tonight. The children will stay with our au pair." (Translated)
Or:
"I'm going shopping now, in peace. You go to the playground in the meantime." (Translated)
This freedom is an important part of the relief an au pair can bring to family life.
But it doesn't come from simply handing a young person two children after seven days.
It comes from induction, repetition, relationship and trust.
