Eating together with the au pair: who cooks, and what belongs to family life?

Eating is one of the most everyday things in a family – and, at the same time, one of the most personal.

What do we have for breakfast? Is there a hot meal at lunchtime? Do we eat together in the evenings? Is meat allowed in the fridge if the host family lives vegetarian? What happens if the au pair doesn't like German dishes? And does an au pair actually have to cook for the whole family?

Especially when a young person from another country and another culture moves in with a family for a year, different habits around food inevitably meet.

So the same principle applies here:

Don't assume – explain, try things out together, and talk openly with one another.

Is an au pair allowed to cook?

Yes. Preparing simple meals can be part of an au pair's tasks.

That might mean, for example, that the au pair makes pasta with tomato sauce for the children at lunchtime, cooks rice with vegetables, prepares a simple breakfast, or puts together a child-friendly snack in the afternoon.

What a host family should not expect, however:

An au pair is not a cook and not a housekeeper.

It is not an au pair's job to cook elaborately for the whole family every day, prepare extensive menus, or take full responsibility for feeding the family.

Of course, cooking together is welcome. Perhaps the au pair even takes great pleasure in it and voluntarily cooks a dish from their home country for everyone.

That's something lovely within cultural exchange.

But it shouldn't be confused with the expectation of having hired a cook.

“She can surely cook pasta” – this, too, shouldn't simply be assumed

What seems completely self-evident to us doesn't have to be self-evident for a young person from another country.

Perhaps the au pair has never heard of Spätzle (a German egg noodle/dumpling).

Perhaps they have never eaten Schinkennudeln (pasta baked with ham in a creamy sauce).

Perhaps tomato sauce is prepared quite differently in their home country.

And perhaps at home it was mostly their mother who did the cooking.

That's why host families shouldn't say, even about seemingly simple dishes:

“Everyone knows that.”

Show them.

Preparation with Besondere Sterne: cooking is part of it

Our au pairs at Besondere Sterne ("Special Stars", the name of our agency) are already prepared, before they even travel, for various aspects of everyday German family life.

This includes an online cooking course with basic information about simple German and child-friendly meals.

In it, the au pairs get to know typical dishes and gain a first impression of what might, for example, be on the menu in German families.

This includes simple dishes such as spaghetti bolognese, pasta with tomato sauce, Spätzle with sauce, Schinkennudeln, or rice with chicken and vegetables.

Through videos and selected explanatory materials, they can engage with these basics while still in their home country.

The aim is explicitly not to turn an au pair into a cook.

The aim is that, on arrival, it isn't the first time they hear:

“Today there's Spätzle.”

Kitchen hygiene is part of preparation too

Alongside simple dishes, we also talk to our au pairs about basic hygiene and safety in the kitchen.

Washing hands.

Tying back long hair while cooking.

Handling food hygienically.

Using a chopping board for cutting.

Handling sharp knives carefully.

Leaving work surfaces clean.

Of course, this preparation does not replace the induction within the host family.

Because every kitchen works differently.

Every family cooks differently

Even if the au pair can already make spaghetti bolognese, that doesn't mean they'll cook the bolognese the way your children know and like it.

Perhaps your children eat the sauce without onions.

Perhaps vegetables must never be visible at all.

Perhaps your child loves Spätzle, but only with one particular sauce.

Children in particular can have surprisingly precise ideas about food.

For children with disabilities, eating routines can be even more important. Some children, for example, have very fixed preferences, particular textures they need, or require a great deal of consistency around mealtimes because of their individual needs.

That's why the au pair needs to get to know your children and their habits.

Our three-step principle for cooking

When it comes to cooking too, we recommend exactly what has proven itself for many tasks during induction:

1. Do it together.

The first time, the host mum or host dad cooks the dish and the au pair joins in.

Explain each step.

The au pair can note down quantities, particular details and the process – happily in their own native language too.

2. The au pair does it – you accompany them.

The second time, the roles are reversed.

The au pair cooks and you are still there.

You can help if a question comes up, and show straightaway if something should be done differently.

3. Taking it on independently.

The third time, you might be able to say:

“Listen, I'll be home later today. We've now made the spaghetti together twice. Could you cook it for the children, please?”

That's how independence develops.

Not through:

“You're an adult, you'll manage.”

But through proper induction.

Eating together: what does it mean in your family?

For some families, eating dinner together is almost sacred.

Everyone sits at the table, talks about their day, and eats together.

In other families, work, school, therapies and leisure activities mean this only works at weekends.

Both are entirely fine.

The au pair just needs to know how your family lives.

If it matters to you that everyone eats together every evening, for example, talk about it.

If a shared family breakfast on Saturdays is part of your routine, explain that too.

Because here, too, the same rule applies:

The au pair can only get to know your family culture if you show it to them.

Does the au pair have to be there for family meals?

An au pair is welcomed into the family for the duration of their stay, and eating together can be a wonderful part of this shared life.

Even so, not every dinner should turn into an obligation to attend.

If the au pair has time off and, for example, wants to meet friends, their free time should be respected too.

Conversely, they should feel welcome when the family eats together.

They shouldn't be left with the feeling:

“Family dinner is for us – you can make yourself something later.”

Such seemingly small things can very quickly create the feeling of being either a family member or, after all, just a worker.

Food is home

This point is often underestimated.

An au pair has just left their entire familiar life behind.

Family, friends, language, climate, smells – everything is different.

And then, suddenly, the food is different too.

For us, a bread roll with jam might be a perfectly normal breakfast.

For an au pair from India, a warm rice dish in the morning can be just as normal.

So why should they suddenly have to eat jam rolls every morning?

Food creates familiarity and security.

Especially in the first few weeks, being able to eat something that tastes of home can do an incredible amount of good.

A rice cooker can sometimes do more than you'd think

If we know, for example, that an au pair loves and often eats rice, something as simple as a rice cooker can be a wonderful gesture.

“There's always rice here. If you'd like to make yourself rice with vegetables, onions or something else in the morning, at lunchtime or in the evening, feel free.”

That sends a signal:

You don't have to leave your culture at our front door.

Of course, the au pair may and should get to know German dishes.

But cultural exchange works in both directions.

Perhaps that's why, at some point, it's not just Spätzle with sauce, but a dish from the au pair's home country the following weekend.

And the children suddenly discover something completely new.

Go shopping together

Especially in the first few days, we recommend taking the au pair along to do the shopping.

Show them the supermarket and explicitly give them the chance to express their wishes.

Ask:

“What do you normally eat for breakfast?”

“Is there something you know from home?”

“Which foods do you particularly like?”

“Is there something you don't eat at all?”

Perhaps the au pair stands in front of a shelf and discovers cornflakes they love.

Perhaps they'd like peanut butter instead of strawberry jam.

Perhaps they'd love particular spices, rice or vegetables.

An au pair shouldn't feel that they have to ask permission every single time they want to eat something.

Is the au pair allowed to simply help themselves from the fridge?

This, too, should be discussed – and as explicitly as possible.

For many host families, it's completely obvious:

Of course our au pair may take food.

The au pair, however, may not know that.

Perhaps they are culturally used to never taking anything from another person's fridge without asking.

So they sit hungry in their room, while the host family assumes they would help themselves at any time.

So feel free to say:

“This is your home too. If you're hungry, you may take something.”

And, at the same time, explain if certain foods are set aside for something specific.

Clear communication prevents misunderstandings.

Vegetarian or vegan: definitely discuss it before matching

If a host family lives vegetarian or vegan, this should be discussed openly with the au pair as early as the getting-to-know-you process.

Not only after arrival.

Does the au pair themselves eat meat?

Is it all right for the au pair to live in a vegetarian household for a year?

May they buy meat themselves and prepare it in the kitchen?

May meat be kept in the fridge?

Or does the family fundamentally not want animal products in the house?

There isn't one single correct family rule here.

What matters is that both sides know beforehand what they're agreeing to.

Religion can play a role around food too

Religious beliefs, too, can rule out certain foods or ways of preparing them.

This should also be discussed respectfully.

Does the au pair, for example, not eat certain kinds of meat?

Do they need food that meets particular religious requirements?

Are there periods of fasting?

No one should have to discover after arrival that their basic eating habits are simply incompatible with those of the host family.

Such topics therefore belong in the getting-to-know-you phase already.

Offer to try something – but don't put on pressure

Of course, cultural exchange is an important part of an au pair year.

And that includes:

Why not give it a try!

Perhaps the au pair suddenly discovers they love Kässpätzle (Spätzle noodles baked with cheese).

Perhaps they find potato salad wonderful.

Perhaps they try something and decide:

No. Really not.

That's fine too.

Host families shouldn't take it personally if an au pair doesn't like a German dish that was lovingly cooked.

Taste is taste.

And some foods need several attempts before they feel familiar.

Cultural exchange works the other way round too

So why not use the subject of food deliberately for cultural exchange.

Ask your au pair:

“What did your mum always cook at home?”

Perhaps they can show you a simple dish.

Perhaps everyone cooks together.

Perhaps the children get to know a new spice, or learn what families in India, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Indonesia or another country of origin eat for breakfast.

For children in particular, this can be incredibly exciting.

Suddenly, another country isn't explained through a map.

It's sitting on the kitchen table.

For a child with a disability, explain any particular needs around food precisely

For a child with a disability, there can be individual particulars around eating and drinking.

Perhaps the child accepts only certain foods.

Perhaps they need very fixed routines.

Perhaps they communicate hunger or thirst in a particular way.

The family must show the au pair such individual routines precisely and practise them together sufficiently.

Where particular needs around nutrition, swallowing or feeding are medically or therapeutically grounded, it must also always be clearly defined which tasks belong to ordinary childcare and where professional support is required.

Cooking with children can be childcare too

Cooking, by the way, doesn't always have to be just a task.

It can also become a wonderful leisure activity with the children.

Baking muffins together.

Cutting out biscuits.

Topping a pizza.

Cutting up fruit.

Baking a cake for Dad.

Or trying out a dish from the au pair's home country together.

The au pair is looking after the children, and at the same time something is created that can be eaten together afterwards.

It's often exactly these everyday situations that create closeness.

An au pair is not a cook – but food belongs to shared life

An au pair may prepare simple meals for children and, of course, help with cooking.

But a host family shouldn't expect that a cook or housekeeper automatically moves in along with the au pair.

Something else matters far more:

Turn your kitchen into a place where your au pair is allowed to feel at home too.

Show them your dishes.

Cook together.

Explain your kitchen rules.

Ask what the au pair likes to eat.

Go shopping together.

Give them the freedom to eat familiar foods from home too.

And be curious about one another.

Because sometimes cultural exchange doesn't begin with a big outing or a special experience.

Sometimes it simply begins with two people standing together in the kitchen, showing each other what ends up on the table at home.